


Holy Matrimony, Batman!

by Xyl_3



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-02-22 06:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2497883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xyl_3/pseuds/Xyl_3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ariadne was shocked. She'd learned all about Cobb's dead wife on their first job together, but Eames had a (presumably) living wife that had never come up. Then again, no one liked to talk about themselves as much as Dom Cobb, so maybe it wasn't that impossible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Dom Cobb is not my favorite person.

"Food run," Ariadne announced. "Chinese. Who wants what?"  
  
Arthur, absorbed in his work, muttered a quick "No, thank you."  
  
Cobb, whose order Ariadne had already taken before he went under, had warned her that Arthur didn't eat much on jobs.  
  
Eames waved her over. "I'll take an order of rangoons, a veggie lo mein, and something with beef...whatever sounds good, love." He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "And if you could find it in your heart to get Arthur a black coffee, he'll love me forever."  
  
Ariadne laughed, but added it to her mental list since she liked Arthur.  
  
"All your hard work making you hungry, Eames?" she teased on her way out.  
  
*****  
  
When she returned, weighed down by the food and Arthur's coffee, but lighter for the fresh air, nothing had changed. Arthur was still hunched over his desk appearing to do everything at once, and Eames was kicked back in his own chair, apparently doing nothing. She set the takeout on Eames's desk.  
  
"Ah, smells heavenly," Eames praised. "My money's in my wallet just over there." He pointed to a wallet literally _just_ out of reach. "If you'd be a dear and grab it for me..."  
  
Eames was a bit of a lazy bastard, but he was charming enough that you didn't mind playing along with his smaller requests. Unless you were Arthur. She grabbed his wallet and opened it to get the money. What caught her attention, however, was a simple gold band sitting inside.  
  
"Eames," she asked, bringing the wallet over, "what is this?"  
  
"Ah," he said, with a faint hint of embarrassment that faded before his next words. "Well, that's my wedding ring, of course."  
  
Ariadne was shocked. She'd learned all about Cobb's dead wife on their first job together, but Eames had a (presumably) living wife that had never come up. Then again, no one liked to talk about themselves as much as Dom Cobb, so maybe it wasn't that impossible.  
  
"Is it real?"  
  
"Quite."  
  
"How long have you been married?" she asked.  
  
"Seven years," Eames replied proudly.  
  
"Six," Arthur corrected from across the room. He pointedly ignored them when they looked over.  
  
"Yes, you're right, darling, I suppose it has only been six so far." Eames called back. "I'm thrilled you remember."  
  
Ariadne goggled at him. "Why is it in your  _wallet_?"  
  
"Work," Eames answered with a dismissive wave of his hand "My job is to get close to people, make them talk to me, and then be forgotten. Easiest way to do that is flirting, and people aren't as receptive to being hit on by a married man."  
  
Without conscious thought, she asked "Is that why Arthur hates you?"  
  
Arthur choked slightly, and Eames laughed as though she had thrilled him.  
  
"Dear Arthur still hasn't forgiven me for marrying in the first place," Eames confided.  
  
"You've known each other that long," Ariadne asked. She had thought that Arthur had known the date because he was Arthur, not because they had so long a history.

  
"Seven years, three months," Eames confirmed, smiling.   
  
When there was no correction from Arthur, Ariadne raised a brow. "You know exactly when you met Arthur, but not how long you've been married?"  
  
Eames ignored her with a shrug and sighed theatrically. "He stole my heart and then spurned my advances, so I knew the only thing left for me was marriage."  
  
Her other eyebrow rose to meet the first. "Did you tell your wife that?"  
  
"Naturally."  
  
The man had no shame. "How did that go?" she asked dryly.   
  
Eames's face looked a lot like her cousin's did when he got caught jumping in rain puddles in his good clothes - too proud of himself to look properly contrite."I might've gotten thrashed," he admitted shiftily. "A bit."  
  
"A bit," she repeated flatly.  
  
"...Well thrashed," Eames amended, but he grinned like any fool in love.  
  
"You're sick," Ariadne laughed, grabbing the rest of the food and Eames's money and leaving. Yusef was so calm compared to the rest of the team.  
  
*********  
  
Eames grabbed Arthur's coffee and the rangoons and made his way over to Arthur.   
  
The man had finally managed to return his attention to his work, but he managed a smile at the coffee. The smile turned into a glare a second later, as Eames dragged a chair over to Arthur's desk.  
  
"I'm working."  
  
"Yes, yes, of course, darling," Eames dismissed flippantly. "Carry on."  
  
Arthur's attention turned back to his paperwork.  
  
Moments later, one of Eames's hands brought a piece of rangoon to Arthur's mouth. Arthur rolled his eyes but took the bite.  
  
"You know I don't actually refuse lunch just so you can force feed me," he said dryly.  
  
"Hush, love. We're  _multitasking_." Eames managed to make that sound like an incredibly filthy act. "Besides, you work much too hard. You'd perish without me making you eat and sleep. You're lucky I'm a fantastic husband." He fed Arthur another piece of rangoon.  
  
"You're lucky I haven't murdered you yet," Arthur retorted, but when Eames help up the next bite of food, Arthur chastely kissed the side of his thumb before taking it.

  
*********  
  
 _They had met seven years and three months ago._

_Eames **hadn't** proposed on sight, no matter what Arthur claimed, but he hadflirted outrageously. Arthur had been just over a week out of the army, angrily bewildered, and not particularly receptive. _

_It had been the smoothest job Eames had ever pulled, and Eames had proposed as soon as they'd cleared the mark's room._   
  
_Arthur had said no._

_*********_


	2. Two

A few days after she'd found Eames's wedding ring, Arthur pulled Ariadne aside.

For all that Dom had recruited her and given exercises, Arthur was her real mentor. He wasn't an architect, but he told her the things she needed to know about (like Mal), ran through simulations with her, and helped her hone her craft without dictating. He also didn't beat around the bush much.

"Dom's a moron and Eames isn't much better, but you should probably know I don't recommend making relationships public in our business." He sighed. "You saw how Dom was willing to risk everything, betray all of us for his kids. Just for a chance to see them; they weren't even being threatened. Imagine what Eames would do, for his love."

Ariadne's eyes widened, taking his point. "Should I be worried?"

Arthur gave a little shrug. "You should remember it. Luckily, Eames is occasionally capable of being discrete, and Mr. Eames isn't the deadliest one in the relationship."

She didn't think she should be surprised by that, but "Should I be worried if Eames gets captured?"

Arthur looked her in the eyes. "Ariadne, if Eames is in danger, I fully expect you to be armed to the tens and helping me retrieve him."

He looked so serious, so sure, that she nodded, promising herself that she would be. Eames was family.

****************

_Two months later, Arthur and Eames did their second job together._

_Eames had been delighted to see him, crying out "Arthur!" and embracing him. Arthur had relaxed some, but was still unreceptive to the man's charms. Moreover, he was unimpressed with Eames's level of professionalism and told him so. Eames had pooh-poohed him._

_Aggravatingly, so had Mal, the job's architect._

_Eames had proposed near the end of the first week. When that didn't work, he spent the rest of the job begging for a date._

_Arthur ignored him._

_***************_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated really hard about whether to leave "armed to the tens" as is. It is in no way a typo, but rather a nod to the fact that (for me) for Arthur, fashion and deadliness go hand in hand. Arthur would only very begrudgingly go to take out a whole faction of the mob/army/rival dreamworkers/ridiculous CEOs with too much money and too few morals wearing anything less than a perfectly tailored bespoke suit.  
> Arthur means that he expects Ariadne to look like a million dollars and shoot like she's worth every penny.


	3. Three

Ariadne started going on a few dates with a nice Italian boy from the coffee shop. He was cute and she was young, and there wasn't anything more to it than that.

Dom, because he thought he was her mentor, pulled her aside to give some "fatherly advice." She suppressed her urge to roll her eyes or point out that he had  _actual kids_. 

He gave her some patronizing monologue about how she couldn't tell Alfonso what she did - no shit - and she really shouldn't get too close, and how it was hard to trust people when you were in dreamshare - Arthur had already covered these things with her,  _before_ they were an issue - and how just because  _he'd_ gotten married, and Arthur, it didn't mean that relationships were easy-

"Wait, what?" Ariadne interrupted, replaying that last point. "Arthur's married?"

She wasn't sure where to put the stress on that.  _Arthur_ is married? Arthur's  _married_ ? Arthur is married  _too_? Arthur's married to who? Oh god, she was rhyming.

Dom just nodded.

"But he kissed me!" she protested stupidly, thinking of the second level of Fischer's inception.

Dom got a sort of constipated look on his face and shrugged. "They've been married forever," he said by way of response.

Ariadne dragged her mind back to the conversation. "Should you be telling me this?" she asked Dom, thinking of Arthur's cautions. Eames cornered was terrifying. Arthur cornered would be apocalyptic. The man would literally raze the ground and salt the earth in retribution.

Cobb was still completely ignorant of her internal panic. "Mal told me. She said it was all very romantic and they were a perfect match."

"She was there?" Ariadne asked against her better instincts. Mal was a subject that she could never seem to turn away from, even now that the mystery of her was solved and the shade gone.

"I think she was a witness.They eloped between jobs when he was young. He doesn't talk about it much."

She wanted to know more, but she was almost afraid to. She gave Dom a quick excuse and hastily retreated.

****************

_Arthur and Eames's third job was also with Mal. Eames was an incorrigible flirt, Arthur almost took it in stride, and Mal was delighted by them._

_M_ _al was- mad. Mad and vicious and compelling and brilliant. She had a truly wondrous mind and she lived so fully that both boys took to her._ _Eames teased that it was because she and Arthur were both so bloodthirsty. He even accused them of being related. Arthur, especially when he was annoyed, told them they were both ridiculously romantic, melodramatic menaces._

_Mal and Arthur talked facts, Mal and Eames talked people, and the three of them could discuss ideas forever. Arthur and Eames could talk forever too, although most of it wasn't civil._

_Mal finally got Arthur drunk on a few bottles of wine and gave him a talking to._

_"Arthur," she said in that exotic voice of hers, "people fight their whole lives to find a passion half as glorious as what you two have. Why do you refuse him?"_

_"Eames just likes to get a rise out of me," he argued._

_She laughed and cupped his face in her hands. "He loves to get a rise out of you," she agreed, "but he also just loves you. Trust me."_

_They scattered once the job was done. He gave Mal his contact information._

_He gave Eames a kiss._

_*_

_It was the last job he did with an unwed Eames._

***************


	4. Chapter 4

Ariadne went straight to Arthur when she left Dom. She must have looked panicky because he swiftly detached himself from both his work and Eames's attempts at distraction.

"Can we talk?" she asked him. He glanced at the PASIV, but she shook her head. "Topside." Talking about things in dreams sometimes conjured them up, and Ariadne was already uncomfortable with the amount of information she had.

He glanced at Eames.

"Quarter mile north," Eames said, and Arthur ushered her out.

They found a bench sitting away from foot traffic in the spot Eames had directed them to.

"Dom told me you were married," she blurted out as soon as they'd settled.

Arthur closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. "Dom Cobb is virtually incapable of making good decisions," he groaned out dryly. He looked up at her. "Please promise not to learn that from him."

She snorted, but then sobered. "Sorry," she offered for Dom's carelessness. "I won't tell."

He sighed and lifted his head. "I trust you, although it doesn't make me feel much better." He got serious again, pinning her with his eyes and looking straight into her soul. "If you betray me, I will be deeply hurt. And then I will burn you."

Arthur was literally the most terrifying man she'd ever met. "Understood."

He nodded, then dropped the threats. "What do you want to know?"

"You'd tell me?"  she asked, shocked.

"Some of it."

She bit down on the urge to ask why, and instead started small. "He said you were young?"

"I was barely 23. I'd been out of the Army less than a year. Jobs were shorter then;  people weren't militarized, it was new technology and we were still coming into our own skills. It wasn't illegal yet, although it wasn't really legal either. You could still get shot or sold out, but it wasn't every day. There weren't prices on our heads back then.

I wasn't sure it was love, but Mal saw us and swore it was forever. She told me that Cinderella would have cut off both of her feet and the Prince's head to have a taste of what I had. Mal was like that: sappy and bloodthirsty. She said I couldn't be afraid of my destiny."

"I met her once, in Dom's mind. She said I didn't know what it was to be a lover."

Arthur smiled bitterly. "That was her, but it was Dom too. Mal thought love was everything, but she wasn't... She only judged you for not being open to it. She wouldn't have accused you of not having it."

"Dom said she was at your wedding?"

"There  _was_ no wedding," Arthur snorted. "There was only a certificate, filed in England. Mal was our witness."

"You're still married?" she checked.

Arthur smiled. "Yes. Happily even. It's not always easy - being on six-month jobs alone is trying - but you can meet someone and fall in love and make it work without giving up this job," he told her, "And Eames and I, we've got your back either way."

She sensed that this was the end of their discussion, but she asked one last question as they headed back. "Does anyone else know?"

"I think Eames and Mal were the only ones who knew it was going to happen. Apparently Mal told Dom  something. I don't know who else he might've shared with, but I assume it's still a small number. He's not so open with older extractors and we were on the run for quite some time before we met you. Eames and Yusef worked closely for a long time - it might've come up. I'd guess he knows, but I'm not sure. Eames doesn't actually trust blindly."

They finished the walk back in silence.

**********

_Dreamworkers generally didn't share much of their personal lives, and this included contact information. Everyone had a work number, but it wasn't to be used for anything outside dreamshare (and the very occasional topside favor based on a business relationship.)_

_Deep down, (very, very deep down,) Eames was a professional, and as such, he didn't contact Arthur._

_Mal and Arthur talked regularly enough for her to be a part of his non-work life. He was pretty sure that she and Eames also kept in touch, based partly on her continued advocacy for the thus far non-existent Arthur and Eames love affair._   _  
_

_It wasn't that he was completely against the idea of a relationship with Eames. First impressions of attitude aside, the man was stunningly attractive, exceptionally talented, and never dull. It was simply that it was complicated, and that he was still trying to figure out if it was worth the trouble._

_He spent the holidays with his family, having a typical Midwestern Christmas, full of family and questions about when he was going to find a nice girl to bring home. ("Or a nice boy, Arthur, we don't mind," one of his cheekier cousins suggested with a wink.) He gave the question the same amount of thought he gave it every year, which was to say very little._

_Arthur liked his life, he liked his job, he liked his family. He didn't feel particularly lonely or unfulfilled, and he certainly wasn't going to settle down with a nice anyone anytime soon._

_Mal convinced him that he simply must let her put together a birthday bash for him, since he'd been unavailable for the winter holidays despite her numerous invitations. Arthur gave in, because although Mal was dangerous to say yes to, she was harder to deny._

_He wasn't particularly surprised to find that Eames was there._


	5. Chapter 5

A few days later, Arthur walked in on Eames gossiping with Ariadne about her love life. 

The talk itself wasn't disturbing enough for him to interrupt them, but it  _was_ alarming. Everyone knew she wasn't serious about Alfonso (or, well, everyone but Dom knew she wasn't serious about Alfonso) and Eames liked to gossip, especially about other people's feelings. It seemed harmless, but it was the principle of the matter. Eames was a questionable love guru, and Ariadne should not get in the habit of discussing relationships with him like he was a reasonable human being.

* 

"Ariadne," Arthur told her in the voice he used to inform her of all the biggest pitfalls of their career, "never, ever take dating advice from Eames unless you are desperate. He gets things done, but even his mildest suggestions are completely ridiculous."

Ariadne paused. She hadn't been getting advice from Eames - frankly, she didn't need any advice in her current dating life - and all of Eames's suggestions were mildly ridiculous, but obviously there was something more there. Arthur didn't make dire warnings about small things.

"O...kay? I wasn't, but I'll keep it in mind, I guess."

" _Eames_ is the reason I ended up married."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Ariadne asked cautiously.

Arthur frowned. Deeply. "Let me set the scene for you: I wake up, hung over, in Vegas, the day after my birthday with a ring on my finger and a marriage certificate on the table."

"You got married because you were drunk?"

"No. You see, I don't black out when I'm drunk. I remembered the whole night perfectly well, and I most assuredly did not drunkenly marry anyone, although I will confess to having drunkenly taken home a certain English someone."

"So...?" Ariadne frowned in confusion.

"So, Eames's solution to the fact that I wouldn't say yes to a date was to forge a marriage certificate, write me in, have Mal sign as a witness,  _file it_ , and then try to make me assume I'd been involved, despite it clearly stating the incorrect date and country."

"That's...kind of creepy."

"Oh, I know. Mal thought it was romantic, but to be frank Mal was crazy long before Limbo."

"But, it  _is_ Eames you're married to, right?"

"Yeah, well." Arthur's lips twitched in a rueful smile. "It turns out I like the guy. Despite his habit of overkill."

Eames took that moment to barge in on the conversation uninvited. "Don't be coy, Arthur; you like my overkill well enough when it's in the name of actual killing. Ariadne isn't about to believe that you weren't perfectly pleased when I brought a rocket launcher to a gunfight."

Ariadne smothered a giggle behind her hand.

Arthur glared.

********

_"Eames," Arthur said, sounding extremely pissy for someone who had just been talked down from a snit about illegal marriage contracts. "Why the fuck does this say I'm your wife?"_

_"Ah," Eames stalled, taking the form, which did indeed list Arthur as his wife. "Well, that whole civil partnership thing is much less impressive."_

_"This lists my status as 'spinster', Eames. It says I am now Mrs. Arthur Eames."_

_"You weren't a widow, were you?" Eames asked in mock horror._

_"I'm about to be," Arthur threatened, and leapt at Eames, starting a tussling match that quickly devolved into a more standard honeymoon activity, thanks to some judiciously applied groping._

_*_

_Eames knew that Arthur had truly accepted it when, on their next job together, Arthur pointedly called him "Mr. Eames" for the first time._

********


	6. Chapter 6

"Food run!" Ariadne called in to them two days before the extraction was scheduled to go down. "Who wants what?"

"Ham and swiss," Eames said promptly.

"I'm good," Arthur dismissed distractedly.

"Ariadne, dear, see if you can't find something with bacon? And a coffee, of course."

Arthur gritted his teeth, though he kept his tone almost civil. "I know where you sleep and I am not afraid to shoot you."

Eames didn't even have the decency to fake a response. He grinned somewhat soppily at Arthur and  _sighed._  "Isn't it wonderful?"

"You disgust me," Arthur informed him, deadpan.

Eames's eyes crinkled at the response. "You love me."

Arthur allowed it with a twitch of the lips and a darting glance up through his eyelashes.

"You guys are gro-oss," Ariadne singsonged happily and ran off to go flirt with Alfonso and scavenge some bacon for Eames to ply Arthur with.

********

_"Happy Anniversary, darling!" Eames cried out jollily._

_"Absolutely not," Arthur stated firmly._

_"Um?" Eames asked. "It is. It's right there on the certificate." Eames had proudly framed his ill-gotten marriage certificate on the wall of their bedroom._

_"I refuse to acknowledge that date since it took you an extra two months to even tell me about it, and I didn't get a cake for four. You may give me my "sorry I forged us a marriage certificate without your knowledge or consent" present today, and on a day that is not today OR my birthday, I'll celebrate our anniversary with you."_

_*_

_Eames woke on a seemingly random day mid-March to a bed tray with a single flower in a vase, a plate of waffles, a **very** nice gun, and a small white note reading _"TODAY can be our anniversary." _in Arthur's precise handwriting on it._

_Eames didn't have a single regret._


End file.
